Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
