I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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