I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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