After last night, I could never be a politician.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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