I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
