The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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