My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
