so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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