Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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