If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
