I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Operation Purity has been aborted
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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