I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
