my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
