I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
