please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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