mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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