In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
