I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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