I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
