So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
