You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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