I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
