Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm too high and old for this...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
