I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
