I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
