Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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