Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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