i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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