so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
