I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
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Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have feelings that need drinking.
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I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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