just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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