Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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