your parents love me but you hate me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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