wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
