Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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