my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
