Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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