??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
