And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
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WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
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It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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