I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
