I have demons in me.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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