What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
