____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
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