Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
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No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
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Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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