Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
