i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
God gave him joint rollers for hands
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
