I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
