How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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