Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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