worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I wear drunk well.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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