I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
