i already hear my dad disowning me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
