Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize