Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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