you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
