If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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